March 5, 2012

Super Tuesday Super Burgers: 9 Burgers Inspired by the Republican Presidential Nominees

With the remaining Republican presidential nominees competing in 10 states for 437 delegates on Super Tuesday this week, here are 9 burgers inspired by the 4 remaining contenders (Rick Santorum, Mitt Romney, Ron Paul and Newt Gingrich) plus 3 favorites who have dropped out of the race (Herman Cain, Rick Perry and Michelle Bachmann). Why 9 burgers for 7 candidates? Newt gets 3. 

Check them out! Then VOTE for your favorite (or least favorite) in the comments below! 

1. Rick Santorum: "The Family Values Burger"
All-Beef Burger, Totally-Not-Gay Special Rainbow Sauce, Fairy Sprinkles on a Bun

We all know how Ricky feels about the gays, which is why I created this completely family- and kid-friendly burger, perfect for you're whole family to enjoy! You'll taste the sanctity of traditional marriage in every bite! 

2. Mitt Romney: "The $10,000 Burger"

Premium American Wagyu Beef Burger, New England Aged Cheddar, Black Truffel, Elitist Massachusetts Greens on a Brioche Bun

A burger this luxurious only seemed appropriate for the former business executive. And as long as we're all protected under Romney-Care, why not have two?

3. Newt Gingrich: "The Open Relationship Burgers"

All-Beef Burger with Mayo and Ketchup, All-Beef Cheese Burger, All-Beef Bacon Burger

Why have just one burger when you can have three at once? That's why I made three nice and plump burgers for Mr. Gingrich. I think he'll like them so much he'll want to marry all three! 

4. Ron Paul: "The Slim Burger"

Turkey Burger and Lettuce on a Bun 

Ron Paul wants a slimmer government, so I created a slimmer burger. And let's be honest, this burger is about as exciting as the Paul campaign gets.

5. Herman Cain: "The 999 Burger"

All-Beef Burger and Marshmallow Fluff on a Bun 

Mr. Cain's 999 tax plan was a whole lot of fluff, which is why I topped this burger with fluff in marshmallow form. How much do I actually want to eat this burger? About as much as I'd like to imagine this former pizza executive as Commander in Chief. 

6. Rick Perry: "The Big Ol' Texas Burger"

Angus Steak Burger, Texas BBQ Sauce, Pickles on a Bun

A big ol' Texas burger for Mr. Perry complete with Texas raised Angus Steak, Texas BBQ sauce, pickles, and - wait there's one more ingredient - oh, I can't remember. 

7. Michelle Bachmann: "The I-Love-America Burger"

100% American Raised Beef Burger, American Cheese, Lettuce, Tomato, Onion with Freedom Fries and a Glass of Iced Tea (Party)

Michelle Bachmann is one All-American woman, which is why I made this oh-so-American burger served with USA Freedom Fries and a refreshing glass of iced tea (party). 

VOTE for your favorite (or least favorite) in the comments below!

And in case you were wondering what marshmallow fluff on a burger looks like after an hour...


  1. ANooooooooNymous!!!!!March 5, 2012 at 12:00 PM

    Favorite: Rick Santorum, because he probably wouldn't even get the joke. I'd like to feed him that marshmallow flush burger. Because I hate him.

  2. THIS IS SO EXCITING. family values burger. i'm all about COLOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  3. You could have taken care of all the candidates with one simple burger: The 100% Horse Manure Burger! 100% fertilizer-grade horse manure (imported from China) slipped between two slices of (Let Them Eat) Cake, complete with a 60-second, $100 million ad claiming that it's really beef and really tasty, and if you don't believe it your some kind of Kenyan Anti Colonialist Secret Muslim America-Hating Socialist...

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